Husband refuses to go to therapy after wife makes him a 'backup plan,' AITA? UPDATED 2x. (2024)

C) she wanted to explore her sexuality with other people, men or women (we’ve been together since our early teens and have only been with each other)

D) she wanted to be Alone, she had this feeling that she would be happier by herself.

Things were getting better until a few days ago. I found an old confession she had written out from 18 years ago when a mutual friend kissed her, that was supposed to have been the entire story but it details how much she liked the attention and she actually pulled him into another room and kissed him, it didn’t go any further than that but I was still reeling.

I asked her about it and she said it was so long as that she didn’t really remember but we’re married and she’s been faithful for the entire time and we have a life together. I said ok and it would take me a little bit to get over it but our marriage wasn’t in jeopardy and I just needed some time to adjust.

Friday night she told me a mutual guy friend who she was taking to who has some issues said they werent going to be talking anymore, he was using my wife as an emotional support crutch and his therapist suggested he stop leaning on her so much. I didn’t like how much they chatted but never voiced this.

I asked her if there was more to this and she confessed that he’s been saying “I love you” for a while and on Monday made a joke about how he liked her ass. All she said was “dude, come on” and he apologized but I was upset that she didn’t shut that down or draw a boundary. He was also asking her to hang out just the two of them and she said “no.”

Yesterday was a special anniversary for us and I wasn’t in a good mood, we went for a walk and she kept asking me what was wrong so I told her, I said I’m upset about the cheating situation, I’m upset that you didn’t set clear boundaries and shut his advances down sooner and I’m upset that I keep planning for activities for anniversaries for years and she couldn’t be bothered to plan anything for today.

As we were walking I noticed she was starting to cry and so we sat down on a bench, I asked her what was wrong and she basically told me she still wants to explore things with other people, she likes the attention she gets from other men, she still wants to be alone, and she’s still repelled by my touch and has been pretending for a a year but doesn’t want any physical affection from me whatsoever.

She says she doesn’t want to lose me or the life we’ve built. We agreed to go back into therapy but after thinking about it last night, I’m not sure if I want to continue. She’s lied about so much and I feel like I’m just her safety net.

I’m waiting for to decide to end the marriage because she wants to sleep with other people or just be alone and I don’t think it fair for me to be a back up plan. WIBTAH if I asked to divorce even though we agreed to go to therapy?

UPDATE:

I’d like to clarify a couple things. We both share responsibilities for the house, we both do dishes, laundry, cleaning, taking care of the kids and don’t have any problems communicating household tasks. I’m not some fat negligent husband who sits on his A$$ and lets her watch the kids and cook and clean.

the reason I wanted to stop therapy with this therapist was my wife was chatting with a co-worker and the messaged went inappropriate, I was fixing a backup phone that our kids use at work when I saw the messages pop up, I asked her about them and she gaslit me, she had already deleted them and told me they didn’t exist.

See Also

'AITA for not telling my wife about an incident with her best friend?' UPDATED 2X'AITA for not wanting my wife to tell her family about our financial situation?'

When I told her I saw them on the other phone she apologized and confessed and stopped talking to the co worker. When I told the therapist this, she brushed it off and made it seem like it was my fault and I realized she only had my wife’s interests at heart and not mine.

My wife has always had validation issues, she loses all common sense when someone else compliments her or gives her attention. I’ve tried for 20 years to be enough for her but she finds other peoples comments to be better.

Why am I still here? Despite everything I absolutely love my wife with all of my heart. We have 3 children who I don’t want to lose 50% of my time with, which will happen if we go shared custody.

She is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on and she still makes me weak 3 kids and 20 years later. I’m going to get a lot of insults of this but this is the hardest decision of my life and I don’t want to live without her. I understand that for my own value and self respect I might have to but it’s incredibly hard.

Here's what the top commenters had to say:

Confiderem4322 said:

NTA. But I will say, this is why I don’t believe in marrying the first person you date. Yea, sometimes it works out. But then sometimes, someone feels like they missed out.

Sajem said:

NTA if you divorce her - and IMO you definitely should. At the very least she wants and open marriage and I assume you don't. She's no longer attracted to you, doesn't want affection from you and she's been pretending happy marriage for the last year!

She's already left the marriage and she's just staying because the house you live in is a 'safe' place for her and she 'thinks' you'll continue to put up with her BS.

You've already tried therapy and she says it does nothing to change how she feels - believe her - another round of therapy isn't going to change anything, except for lowering your bank balance and wasting money on a futile effort.

Zestyclose-Sky-1921 said:

NTA. I couldn't imagine living with someone who was disgusted by the thought of touching me and actually tells me they want to be alone. You can change your mind. She did, it seems like. But even if she didn't, you don't need a justification. You are allowed to change your mind.

panachi19 said:

NTA. Set that bird free and set yourself free as well.

CaliforniaWeedEagle said:

NTA. Take a leap to a life where someone wants you man. It’s out there.

GreenTravelBadger said:

This isn't fixable. NTA.

Everyone here unanimously agreed with OP. Then, the post was updated again:

Just wanted to Update everyone who sent me messages, who were interested and who offered advice, I read through over 1000 posts over two days and last night I had a conversation with my wife, I wrote it down on my phone and asked her to listen to it and not interrupt and we can talk after.

Start of Note...

I don’t know what you thought you were going to accomplish by telling me that you are repelled by my touch, you want to explore your sexuality with other men and women and want to be alone. I think you thought if you were just “being honest” it was right and ok, but it showed me just how little respect you have for me. I don’t think you realize just how insulting and disrespectful everything you said is.

You do not consider my feelings at all, you seek validation from other men and NEVER set any proper boundaries until either I find out or a line has been crossed. I literally cannot remember a time in 20 years where you have said “stop, this is inappropriate and I don’t think it should go any further."

You let *Mutual Friend* tell you he loved you and liked your ass and you weren’t even the one to stop communication, he was. His therapist could tell the conversation was unhealthy, I could tell the conversation was unhealthy but you couldn’t.

You either don’t respect me enough to put my feeling ahead of your own need for validation or you simply don’t care. I can’t fix this, and you don’t seem to want to fix this. I have been there for you for 20 years, I have never wavered in my love for you, my affection, my devotion, but you can’t say the same.

You clearly think you’re missing out on “something” and think exploring that in the arms of another person will fill that hole inside of you, but it won’t. All it will do is leave you completely and entirely alone. Our family will be gone, I will be gone and you will have nothing at all because you think the grass might be greener on the other side.

I can’t imagine a person who has a loving husband who cares for them, respects them and thinks the world of them, who has 3 beautiful kids, a great support network, good friends and a loving family that thinks if they abandon their entire life for some fleeting new experience they will be fulfilled.

You use me, plain and simple. I am a safety net for you, you can spend all the time in world trying to figure yourself out and you’ll have a safe spot to come home to, not a partner, not someone you treat as a husband, but someone you lie to, lead them on and take advantage of.I am not a fall back, I am not a safety net. I am a person who absolutely deserves love, touch, romance and admiration. I deserve respect and reciprocation.

I want to be clear that I absolutely think you not telling me about these issues and letting an entire year pass while letting me think things were improving and getting better is lying by omission.

I will be attending therapy by myself, to find out why I’ve been such a doormat, to figure out why I’ve tolerated such abuse and neglect from the person that was supposed to guard and protect me, who was supposed to share my life forever. I am not at this time asking for a divorce, and provided you are not asking for one, things will need to move forward differently.

You will need to attend therapy by yourself, after 6 months of both of us being in therapy we can talk about doing couples therapy.

You will stop seeking validation from other men, I do not want to police your conversations but single men should not be people you talk daily with until you go through therapy and can clearly set boundaries and enforce them if they are broken.

You have to win me back, you will have to woo me and get me to fall in love with you again. I expect romance, in dates and our daily lives. The fact that I can’t be romantic with you because you decided you didn’t like it, but also decided that because you don’t like romance that I don’t deserve it is very selfish.

I will not under any circ*mstances accept an open marriage, I don’t ever want to hear of it again, I am not ok with you being sexual with men or woman other than myself, asking for monogamy shouldn’t be that big of an ask and if that truly is a deal breaker for you, I understand and we can divorce and you can pursue other people.

I acknowledge that some of what I’m saying is demanding but I am standing up for myself and what I want. I deserve better and will not settle for “just enough” any longer.

If anything I’ve said here makes you want to say you are done, we can separate and file for divorce, we’ll sell the house and agree upon a 50/50 custody agreement for the kids. I will never use the kids to hurt you and will co-parent with you to the absolute best of my abilities.

Despite the harsh tone, I will still reiterate that I love you with all of my heart, and want to spend my entire life with you, watching our children grow up together. But I will not be an afterthought anymore, I won’t play second fiddle to an imaginary life you might want to pursue.

End of Note...

One of the things she has always said to me when we have conversations is; "I don't know if I'll ever be enough for you" she says this because she doesn't know if she can meet my expectations of what a good loving wife should be. I told her this time that "you may think you don't know if you can be enough for me, but I right now know I am not enough for you."

We talked for a while and she is going to therapy, we are going to work on our relationship and while I know many, if not all of you think I should just divorce her right now, I can't just throw away 20 years without giving it my absolute all. I don't know if this will work out or not, but I thank each and everyone of you for helping me find the strength to stand up for myself, it might not be the ending you wanted to see but I am hopeful.

Here's what commenters had to say after the update:

dheffe01 said:

Mate I wish you all the best, but I would have divorce papers drawn up and ready to hand over to her at the drop of a hat.

Careless_Welder_4048 said:

Her response said it all, she’s not even trying and blaming you. I hope if it comes to it you can throw in the towel.

ThatWhichLurks782 said:

Best of luck, I really hope she puts in the work and you can regain some trust and intimacy again.

lost_jjm said:

"I can't just throw away 20 years without giving it my absolute all." The real question you need to ask yourself is "havent you done that already"